Knowing Anger

I’ve been reflecting a lot on anger and its overwhelming power lately. If you’re someone who quickly resorts to anger, I invite you to take a few minutes out of your day to slow down and reflect with me here. Let’s get to know who your anger is. Not what, not why, but who.

You know those times when you’re torn between two decisions? You say something along the lines of, “I’m not sure what to do, a part of me wants to [insert desire], but another part of me wants to [insert conflicting desire].” In that moment, you recognize that different parts exist within you. In the same vein, we can view anger as just one part of us and recognize it as separate than our entire self (No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz is a great resource to learn more about viewing ourselves as multiple parts). Let’s take a brief journey inward and get to know this angry part of you, this part that holds so much power.

Start by turning your attention inward.

Imagine your mind as an empty room. Call out for anger to meet you here.

Who shows up?

When you look at anger, what do you see? Is it loud and boisterous or quiet and simmering? Is it hot to the touch, full of spikes, or maybe made of steel? How much space does it take up in the room?

And when anger notices you observing it…how does it respond? Does it scowl and sneer, grow to take up even more space, or quietly glare?

Notice what it feels like to be in the presence of this part.

Notice how it is a part of you but it is not you. Your true self can exist alongside it, observe it, interact with it, but you are not one and the same with it.

When anger is all you know, it can feel like an instantaneous reaction. It seems primary, reactionary, and all-consuming. It feels like you have control, but the reality is that anger presents the illusion of being in control.

When you meet anger in that internal room of your mind, ask it, “Why are you here? What is your job?” If it responds, ask it, “What do you believe will happen if you’re not here?”

Chances are, anger believes it needs to keep control because if it doesn’t, chaos will ensue. If it doesn’t captain the ship, everything will spiral out of control. Underneath the comfortable facade of control is the uncomfortable feeling of vulnerability. Anger is worried and terrified. It’s been burned before, and it’s found a way to consume and project the burn back on its enemies.

Anger is important. It is protective and fiercely loyal in defending you. It deserves a “thank you” for all the work it has put in. Getting to know your anger isn’t about trying to eradicate it. It’s about listening to and understanding it. It’s about learning to work as a team so anger can build confidence in letting you stay in control.

The thing about anger is that it was once afraid. It was afraid of the sadness it knew, the abandonment it experienced, the lack of security it desperately desired. So it built up walls, externalized blame, lied, and launched insults at others. All in an effort to avoid pain.

If this sounds like you, I have good news: Your brain is doing what it’s supposed to do! It should recognize threats and find ways to protect you. At one point in your life, it likely helped you survive this way.

But if you’re reading this, it’s likely that your anger now causes more problems than it solves. Despite anger’s best efforts to stay in control, chaos continues, maybe even worsens. Perhaps you’re fighting more with your partner. Maybe you notice friends and family backing away, unsure of how to interact with you. And as chaos in your relationships continues, the anger grows.

Every time you fight with your partner, you hear alarm bells and see flashing red lights, all signals to refortify the walls. Anger builds them higher and higher, ensuring no one can hurt you. But who are the walls protecting?

While anger is busy cementing the walls, who sits inside them, and why? This part of you sitting protected behind the walls hears the alarm bells too. It sees the red lights flashing and viscerally feels the imminent threat. It’s vulnerable. That’s why anger stepped in to protect it.

When you met your anger in the internal room of your mind, what did it say its job is? What did it believe would happen if it didn’t do this job? Did it call attention to a vulnerable part of you that needed its protection?

Getting to know your anger means getting to know your vulnerability. It means getting to know the part of you that has needs, and fears, and desires. Getting to know this part of you that’s been silenced, stuck behind anger’s protective walls.

If you slow down and invite this vulnerable part of you into the room…what happens? If you listen to it… get to know it…what does it have to say? What does it fear?

Being vulnerable is terrifying. And yet, sharing our fears is how we build connection and security in relationships. By letting someone know you’ve been hurt, you allow others the opportunity to learn. In time, you find that being authentic can be safe. By sharing that you feel alone when someone is upset with you, you express how much you value their presence.

If you’re curious to know your anger and vulnerability better, practice slowing down. Learn the warning signs. Turn down the volume. Tune in.

When you slow down, you can assess, and when you can assess, you can navigate. In time, that angry part of you will learn that you’re capable of managing on your own. It may stay on stand-by, but it will trust you to decide the next move. Its defenses won’t weaken, only become more flexible.

This isn’t an overnight fix. The angry part of you has likely been refining its defenses for many years. But while it takes time, building genuine connection with others heals the parts of you that were once abandoned. You will repeatedly need to remind yourself to slow down and tune in. You will get to know yourself and all the parts within, understanding and acknowledging their needs.

Starting the process of tuning in can be as simple as practicing intentional breathing or exploring anger in the space of therapy. Again, the goal is not to eradicate anger. The goal is to allow it to step out of the driver’s seat. It deserves a rest, and you deserve to live a life that you’re not constantly fighting against.

The best news of all is that if you made it through this blog, you’re already practicing slowing down. I built Rooted Self Wellness because I love supporting people who want to start lowering their walls despite being hurt before. I find the most meaning in helping people understand their authentic desires and living in line with their values. If this is you, and you want a supportive space to start exploring, I would love to hear from you.

“Physical death is only one form of dying.

There are other forms of dying.

We die whenever fear governs our choices.

We die when we sacrifice growth for security.

We die whenever we choose a convenient certainty over an inconvenient mystery.”

-James Hollis, A Life of Meaning: Exploring Our Deepest Questions and Motivations